Screen Shot 2014-10-23 at 12.32.27 PM

Them


themjuly08When I first saw the classic sci-fi movie, “Them!,” I didn’t know the meaning of needing a drink.  Today, I do.  It’s a wonder this film didn’t make me seek out my parents’ wine stash years earlier than I eventually did.  Water Is Never Enough.

The trailer blazes the words: Terror – Horror – Excitement – Mystery – THEM!  Never has an acronym so accurately described its subject.  “Them” was the first giant insect movie, and still stands as the best.  TFH guru Joe Dante credits this movie with scaring the preteen crap out of him, and he’s not alone.

Not only did “Them” feature giant mutant ants as a necessary byproduct of the nuclear age, it also featured building-mounted bullhorns from which the populace could be warned to stay inside.  We had civil defense sirens where I grew up, but I always wondered what town those bullhorns were in, and what problem they were expecting that prompted their installation.  Giant mutant insects, no doubt.

In the coastal community in which I was raised, giant mutant crabs might have been expected, or something related to the oil industry that ruled my early years.  “We Oil the World,” cried the city dads from every billboard and official vehicle.  “Crabbing, too!”  I always wondered about the wisdom of advertising crabbing as a great tourist attraction in an area known for petroleum refineries.  That was years before people became alarmed at mercury in tuna.  Giant mutant crabs would have been a welcome addition to the seafood buffet in my hometown.  “Djya see thuh size uh them thangs?  And only $10.95!”

Pairing a wine with insects is tricky.  The apps on my iPhone that offer to pair wine with food don’t cover pairing with insects – for some reason.  I’m guessing a white wine with a lot of acidity would work well, unless the insects are chocolate covered.  Try a Port, in that case.  Maybe for “Them” we could borrow a page from Monty Python and choose a wine that’s good for hand-to-hand combat.

Or we could go to Anthill Farms Winery of Healdsburg.  Their Campbell Ranch Vineyard Pinot Noir is from the Sonoma Coast town of Annapolis (oh, if it had only been ANT-apolis!)  The cool, coastal conditions there are great for growing Pinot Noir grapes, and for keeping away giant mutant ants.

Ant Moore Wine – New Zealand winemaker of Sauvignon Blanc, Pinot Gris and Riesling.  Goes great with ants

A wine ant, the obligatory wine chotzke.

Import A-N-T Wines – This is a wine sales outfit which can’t sell to the public.  Why advertise?  Alcohol laws in the U.S. are certainly intriguing.  The name seems to be more of a stretch than even I usually go to for the wine pairing.

White Ant Wine – Q:  “How many ants does it take to make a bottle of wine?” A: It depends on how much beer you give them.  Believe me, winemakers are laughing their asses off at that one.  And the website: “Connecting buyers with China suppliers?” Is someone having trouble finding Chinese-made products?  May I direct you to … uh … everywhere?

Ant control with wine vinegar – Personally, I’m more fascinated with the idea that grits kill ants.

Follow Randy Fuller on Twitter


Follow Trailers From Hell on Twitter